Help Your Daughter Shatter Her Glass Ceiling!

“Shattering glass ceilings”. The term is everywhere right now. But what does it mean? With the inauguration of Vice President-elect Kamala Harris taking place next week, this has been on my mind lately. When I look at my own two daughters, age almost five and almost two, I see so much potential. But I also ask myself: How do we help the next generation of young women keep the momentum going?

To be the leaders of tomorrow, the young girls of today need our help. Here’s how:

• First, we must help them build confidence. A young woman may have intelligence and talent, but without confidence, she will not be able to achieve anything.

• Secondly, we must support our girls with examples of role models and mentors. Knowing about our possibilities and seeing other accomplished women is a key part of reaching our own goals.

• Lastly, frequent and meaningful conversations about female identity are critical to helping them shape their ideas about who they are and the women they will become.

Confidence is Key

We all want our daughters to feel that they CAN and WILL achieve anything in life. But how is this feeling developed? In a society full of comparisons on social media and pressure to get ahead of others in school, girls need to be reminded of how special and important their individual qualities are.

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to see our children’s strengths firsthand and witness the qualities that set them apart from others. But how often do we help them identify their strengths? Sometimes they need to hear positive feedback when they do something great to boost self-esteem and motivation. So remember to be specific and praise actions, not personality traits. For example, say something like, “You spoke so confidently and bravely with your teacher today, I am proud of what a leader you are becoming in your class.” This statement is more effective than a simple, “I think you’re really brave.” This way, you are intentionally reinforcing positive behaviors and choices, with the hope that they will repeat them in the future. This is also important in helping them to embrace their individuality.

Don’t forget to help your daughter recognize and celebrate her uniqueness. When she comes to you for advice, for example, remind her to follow her heart. During adolescence, many kids tend to follow the crowd. We should remind our girls that being different is not only okay, it is also a strength. Asking our girls questions such as “what is your gut telling you?” will help her reflect and build a sense of self-assurance that is vital for future success.

In addition, identifying how we behave and model for our girls is another key component of helping them build confidence. Do we exhibit self-assuredness and poise in our work? Do we take pride in it, and interact with colleagues and friends in a way that we want our daughters to emulate? Do we model acceptance of our bodies? Do we speak kindly about ourselves? Our girls are watching us and whether we intend to or not, we have an impact on their self-esteem. Their sense of self begins with a strong model for confidence. When girls are confident in themselves, they can dare to dream about and achieve goals that might be otherwise impossible.

Look to Role Models in their Lives

For our girls to achieve the same level of engagement and leadership that we have been able to attain, they must first have exposure. The adage, “We cannot be what we cannot see” could not be truer here.

Making sure to expose our girls to a variety of role models in a range of fields, and from diverse backgrounds, is ideal for encouraging them to think about themselves as competent women in the future. This is also why it is so important for accomplished women to become mentors to underserved youth, who may not have sufficient opportunities to see examples of various careers in their communities. It is never too early to have our daughters start conversations with other women about their career paths and experiences. We should encourage our girls to seek out as many new experiences as possible that will allow them to meet women in all fields.

Identifying opportunities to engage with female leaders will have a positive impact on the way they see themselves as young women. Engagement in after-school clubs, youth groups, dance classes, sports teams, art or music classes, or community service with an encouraging female mentor are great ways to experience this.

Engage in Dialogue about Issues Facing Girls and Women

Of everything we can do to motivate and lead the young women of the future, open and honest conversations are the most important.

It is important to discuss ideas and concepts like feminism, the history of women’s rights, the obstacles to gender equality that remain today, and women’s overall role in society. We must educate our girls and give them a chance to talk about how we got here and where we are headed.

Girls absorb so many messages, both positive and negative, about what they should and should not do as females. They need candid conversations that encourage them to reflect on the significance of their experiences and help them to challenge misconceptions. For example, many girls feel that if they speak proudly about their accomplishments or their appearance, they will be viewed as “conceited” or “full of themselves”. If they are allowed to consider this idea further, they would realize that this is not true. There is no reason that females shouldn’t be as loud and proud of their strengths as their male counterparts. Encouraging our girls to be proud of themselves is an important step in allowing them to shine. Honest reflection and candid discussion about our place in the world are vital to motivating the young women of the future.

I look at our young girls of today with so much hope and optimism. They have access to more information and opportunities than we ever did. They are also growing up in a more equitable society. The likelihood of a female succeeding is greater than ever, due to the powerful line up of women who came before us and broke barriers. Girls can dare to dream anything. The possibilities are endless. With confidence, access to strong mentors, and open dialogue, the sky's the limit for the next generation of women.

Girl Power!

A parenting workshop with Erika Brunwasser
Thursday, February 25
7:30 pm

Please join Erika, Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist, for an evening of guidance and support for a positive path to parenthood as part of the Keating Quigley Enrichment Collaborative.

Email For More Information

Erika is also available for one-on-one virtual student mentoring sessions.

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Written By Erika Brunwasser | Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist

Three Ways to Help Your Teen Harness Her Girl Power!

When I sat down to write my thoughts about "Girl Power," one woman who symbolized this concept could not escape my mind: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ms. Ginsburg, or "The Notorious R.B.G." as many of us now refer to her, was the embodiment of female power, autonomy, and success. In her 87 years, she taught us all how a woman can have a groundbreaking and successful career while simultaneously raising a family. And most importantly, how to do it all with grace and compassion. Since her death in September, I have been trying to pinpoint just what made her powerful and inspirational. From my own experience as a school counselor, I know that the strongest female students with whom I worked seemed to be independent, above all else. This theme of independence must have resonated with R.B.G. because she is often quoted talking about it. When discussing her ideas of feminism and her upbringing, she is quoted as saying, "My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant be your own person, be independent." I couldn't agree more. I believe that independence, along with healthy coping skills, and key female mentors, are three of the most important elements of helping a teen to unleash her "GIRL POWER!"   

When my daughter was born, I sat in a baby parenting class of ten women in New York City. The group facilitator asked us moms, "What is your ultimate goal with this baby?" Our responses varied. The women responded with everything from "keep my baby safe" to "get him to follow his passion in life." After we all went around the circle and spoke, the group leader finally said, "None of this matters unless your child is independent. Your job is to raise him/her and give him/her the skills to be ready to leave your house and go out into the world as an independent adult." I could not agree more! With independence and a strong sense of self, a child can accomplish anything. But how does one attain this? In a world full of Instagram and TikTok followers and hovering parents, how can an adolescent girl manage to assert herself and make her own choices? Having a strong sense of knowing what and who makes her feel good is key. Also, having parents who set clear and reasonable limits is essential in the process of developing independence.    

Teaching her how to recognize and define emotions, and stay away from things that make her feel bad is very important. We can only make good choices and trust our instincts if we learn to be honest about feelings, friendships, and situations that do and do not serve us. As a parent, you can work with your daughters on this in almost any situation. Do you notice that your adolescent daughter continues to want to hang out with a group of girls who are not nice to her? Encourage her to think about how she feels in the moment when she is with them. Try guiding her by saying something like, "How did you feel when X said that to you? How did your body feel? Your heart?" Once she is able to recognize this, she may one day articulate it and say, "Spending time with X sometimes leaves me feeling excluded or not great. I'm going to hang out with my other friend Y today, who makes me feel fun and silly."

As for setting limits, have you ever tried to encourage your child to join an activity in which they have no interest? That's a great time to set boundaries and encourage independence! Hearing them out while sticking to your expectations is important. Try saying something like, "I hear that you don't want to do this, and I do understand, but you are going to try it once. If you don't like it after the first time, we will discuss it again and make a new decision together." As your child gets used to you encouraging her expression of feelings and setting limits, she will naturally start to become more independent.    

Remember those feelings I just encouraged you to allow your daughter to experience? What happens when those emotions feel absolutely awful? We all have challenging situations and moments, whether we're six, 16, or 60. The key to becoming a stable and healthy adult is having the appropriate coping skills to actually deal with these feelings. If your daughter is going to change the world, she must start within herself! Girls must have a healthy outlet in which to release their thoughts and feelings. Whether it is some form of physical activity like a sport or dance, something creative like art or writing, or even small self-care acts like taking a hot shower, journaling, or listening to music. All of these coping skills can become part of your daughter's (and your) routine. Daily stress and setbacks happen. We need to teach our daughters healthy ways to deal with them, so they do not turn to unhealthy habits or risky behaviors to cope. We are seeing this now with the Coronavirus. Kids that are set up with healthy ways to cope are faring better with all the changes in our uncertain world than those who lack these positive outlets. One certainly cannot attain "Girl Power" without being able to cope with the "tough stuff" that comes her way.    

I bet many of you have noticed by now that your teen daughter is not running to you for advice very often anymore. But that doesn't mean she isn't in need of it! As girls grow and reach early adolescence, they tend to start to keep things from their parents. But with everything the world is throwing at our young girls right now, they need a level-headed and unbiased mentor to guide them in the right direction. Teen girls are dealing with so much more than we ever dealt with. From pressures by peers and social media to look a certain way, to the burden of rigorous academics and the college admissions process, to simply navigating the adolescent brain in a global pandemic, it is a lot to bear. Making a connection with someone outside of their immediate family, such as a family friend, school counselor, therapist, coach, aunt, or other trustworthy adults, is key to a girl's healthy development at this age. The right mentors can teach kids how to navigate the world in a calm, level-headed manner. Cultivating relationships with female mentors, especially those who embody independence and confidence, will help put young girls on the path to achieving their goals.

Most of us will not rise to the highest court in the United States of America, as Ruth Bader Ginsburg did. But let us start right where we are. We can define "Girl Power" within our own families and communities, beginning with the teenage girls in our lives. We can support adolescent girls to succeed in our chaotic world by encouraging independence, healthy coping skills, and mentorship. With the right tools in place, our girls can undoubtedly unleash their superpowers, one of which is simply being a GIRL!

Erika is hosting a 6-week enrichment series starting October 22nd, 2020 for girls ages 11-13 and 14-16. This is a virtual safe space for adolescent girls to talk about issues relevant to growing up and becoming a kind, confident leader.
Click here to learn more and register!

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Written By Erika Brunwasser | Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist

Raising a Resilient Child: All it Takes is a Little PLV...

How resilient are your kids? As parents, we all know that resilience is a vital skill, and we want our kids to have it. But how? Resilience is defined as the ability to bounce back from challenges. But with the current trends of “Helicopter” and “Bulldozer” parenting, so many of us are inclined to make sure the path to adulthood is free of obstacles. This way, our kids can walk right through childhood and come out on the other end without a scratch. It’s only natural that we want to shield our kids from anything and everything that is scary and unknown.

But how can we raise resilient kids if they have nothing to “bounce back” from? If they are not truly challenged, if they never fail, how will they succeed? Have you ever looked at your child and wished they were able to cope better with the common hurdles that come their way? In my experience as a school counselor for elementary, middle and high school students, the most resilient kids (whether they were six or sixteen) had specific and recurring traits. These kids possessed the ability to meet challenges head-on and keep pushing through life. In order to develop the skills necessary to do this, families should strive to equip their kids with the following attributes:

A SENSE OF PURPOSE. You know from your own life that waking up each morning ready to face the day requires the drive and excitement to actually get up and do it. Without something to look forward to, it would certainly be impossible to push through challenges. All of the most resilient students with whom I worked engaged in a positive hobby or passion. Hobbies and clubs give kids a skill and a place to work through many of life’s responsibilities. They also provide a chance to engage positively with their peers, mentors, communities and families. This doesn’t necessarily need to come from a formal club within school. It can come from music, art, sports, a place of worship, dance, discussion groups; the sky's the limit with this one! Any chance they have to meet productively with peers and an older mentor can provide a sense of belonging and purpose. It’s common for kids to fight their parents on this. They may be “busy” with school work, or want time to tinker with technology. Stay strong and encourage a couple hours a week of a positive, productive activity. This is especially important during challenging times. With COVID, for example, many of our kids are more isolated than usual and could really use the support of a wider community. Many organizations are offering virtual discussion or learning-based groups. This is something to absolutely take advantage of. For many kids in cities or highly concentrated areas, this could be the only possible outlet right now. If your child loves what they are doing, they will feel energized, connected, and accomplished. It will make all the difference in the world.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE from parents/caregivers. Adolescence is, for most, one of the toughest times in development. It is full of insecurity, a preoccupation with how we are viewed by others, and pressure to “fit in”. The most confident kids who are willing to take risks and make mistakes, are the ones with the most supportive and loving families. The fact that you are reading this is a step in the right direction. We all love our children, but how do we show love? What is the language we use when kids don’t meet our expectations, or make mistakes? Kids learn a lot about how to treat themselves from how we treat them. Being confident enough to say “even when I mess up, it will all be okay,” can lead them to try anything. As parents, we have an opportunity to be the first to instill this in them. It is inevitable and natural that during these unprecedented times, kids will have hard feelings and extra challenges. Let them sit with these feelings, take a back seat and act as an understanding and comforting ear, empowering them to work through their emotions in their own time.

A "POSITIVE" INNER VOICE. It’s important to be as positive as possible in conversations with our kids. Many times, their inner voice comes directly from what they’ve been hearing at home. Positive self-talk is a vital skill for resilience, and we can teach it by modeling it for them. Next time your child brings home a less than desirable grade on a test, try saying something like, “I know this is disappointing, but you can absolutely do better next time. It’s just one test. Let’s talk about what support you need, and we will help you get it.” Or, try applying this strategy to current times. When your teen is complaining about not being able to “hang out with friends” because of the Coronavirus, try to put a positive spin on it. Encourage them to make a list of fun ways to overcome their obstacles (e.g. Zoom meeting with friends where they can all watch the same movie, bake something together, or have a dance party). Positivity matters when trying to develop skills for resilience. When a child hears this type of positive reaction repeatedly, they will absorb it and make it part of their own inner voice. Think about the difference between the above responses and more negative responses like, “How did you get this grade? Why would you let that happen? This absolutely cannot happen again. Your dream college will not accept grades like this.” Or “You are not seeing friends! Forget it! It’s not safe. Period!” With a hopeful and positive outlook, we can help our kids power through bumps in the road on their life journey. Remember, skills are mastered through practice, practice, practice.

If there’s one goal we all have as parents, it’s that our kids can thrive in our homes and beyond. Every parent I’ve ever met has expressed a desire for their child to one day become self-sufficient and have a full life. Resilience is key to all of this. Making a few small changes in a child’s life now, can help them get on the track to a more fulfilling life where challenges are met head on. We can take small steps today towards developing the resilience our children need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults. 

Remember... The small steps we take today will reap big rewards as our children develop the resilience they need to enjoy life as tomorrow’s independent adults.

Erika is hosting a 6-week enrichment series starting October 22nd, 2020 for girls ages 11-13 and 14-16. This is a virtual safe space for adolescent girls to talk about issues relevant to growing up and becoming a kind, confident leader.
Click here to learn more and register!

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Written By Erika Brunwasser | Social/Emotional Coach & Workshop Specialist